Yesterday I had felt enough was enough. I felt like I was constantly taking the easy route and not pushing myself to take up new (yet not new) habits.
I wanted this morning to be one where I woke up feeling refreshed and functional, where I could manage the basics of having a shower, getting dressed and fed, and getting to work. All things I used to manage in the not too distant past. (Well the feeling refreshed thing has often been a struggle truth be told.) Yesterday I planned my evening so I could do what needed doing, essentially eating and packing my bag for work, so I could get a good rest and start back on this road to energy recovery. I checked my alarms, read for a few minutes then put out the light.
Unfortunately sleep only came in restless fits. My alarm went off and I couldn’t believe it was time to get up already. I got up, stumbled around and just felt flat. I was so frustrated that all my efforts to get a good rest failed.
I tried to do some work, but only became more and more frustrated with the exhaustion. As I said yesterday, the frustration is down to the depressive mood lifting and the brain beginning to function almost normally, but having no energy. Once I’ve done the basics in the morning — bathing, getting dressed, and eating — I feel like I’ve used up most of the energy I had regained over night. My head is swarming with ideas and activities that I want to implement personally and professionally but the lack of energy is not allowing it to happen.
Today that frustration reared its ugly head in the form of tears. I actually began crying at work out of frustration. I don’t cry at work! I don’t do much crying, even when crying is called for. This was so out of the ordinary that it startled me. It has also woken me up to the fact that I am still recovering, and these changes can’t happen overnight despite how desperately I want them to.
The challenge with this is even though I recognise it, and some friends/colleagues are sympathetic, I worry about The Others. The Others being those who don’t know my mental health status, or care, and their opinion of me personally and professionally.
Two steps forward, one step back…