Learning my limits

Depression and anxiety do things to your body and mind you didn’t think possible since it’s not a visible illness. You can’t concentrate, you’re restless and exhausted at the same time, you can’t sleep, but you can’t be awake. It’s an illness full of contradictions. This is my experience — I become physically and mentally fatigued and really struggle to function at all. Absolutely everything in my life suffers for it — work, relationships, hobbies, house keeping, personal hygiene, eating healthily, exercise. Did I miss anything?

recovery

My mental health is recovering well. Thoughts are buzzing around my head. And not the ‘Why me? Why am I not good enough? Why can’t I just get on with it? Why do I struggle with life events every single one of us experiences? What makes me so ‘special’?’ No, these are energetic thoughts. Thoughts of what I want to accomplish at home and work.

However, my physical fatigue is slow to lift. One day I’m great. I have the energy to go out and do something casual with friends for hours on end. It all feels fine and manageable while in the moment. However the next day or two, I feel totally fatigued. I often worry that I may actually have ME/CFS. ME/CFS really is a disease I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I see friends and acquaintances with it and the suffering they experience. They lead little to no life at all and I feel for them. And I am frightened that this will be me.

I’m trying to find my limits with regards to energy. It’s not the physical exertion of exercise as it is maintaining a constant level of being ‘with it’ at work or out with friends. I have to quit thinking ‘well, I feel OK actually, so yeah, let’s go for another drink’ or ‘Yeah, I’ll stay on at work another hour then do errands afterwards’. It just isn’t working for me right now to push myself that little bit further. I pay for it the next day or two. I miss out on opportunities that I actually really wanted to take part in because I pushed myself that little bit too much the day before.

It’s not really any way to live by missing out on the things I want to do any more than it is to be completely held hostage by depression and anxiety.

Recovery image from ??? – found via Pinterest, but link back to original.

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